Experiments in Being
2/10/2010 8:58 AM – 9:18 AM
So everything went wrong this morning but it was all fine. I am occasionally shocked by how much my life revolves around this computer. One little install and restart that didn’t go smoothly and I’m lost for an hour, trying to get my day back on track.
I sat today for the first time in months. It went badly in that I couldn’t hold my thoughts for more than a beginner’s three-count, but it went well in that I felt calm and the sitting didn’t give rise to any anxiety attacks. I hope, oh how I hope, that the worst of the fear is behind me. I don’t know that I’ll ever risk smoking the weed again, but that was never my favorite drug anyway. Sleep is still the best drug. It’s snowing out. Really snowing. Not blizzard, just steady and thick. At some point, I’ll go to work. Before that, I’ll work on the detective story and I’ll lift some weights. Maybe I’ll actually do some housework other than laundry.
I’m getting old. I know that if I pushed it, I could risk another ten years of unhealthy living before the risk of heart attacks really started. But that isn’t what I wanted. This style of living was supposed to have been concluded, at the latest, by 32. I’m 33 and I’ll be 34 in less than two months. I rarely look at the marks of where I was supposed to be anymore. It doesn’t help and it usually makes me saddened with my own ineptness at being. But I know where I hope to be. I know that there is a mismatch between what we feel and what we think, but that mismatch doesn’t require that we become enfeebled in our being. You have to acknowledge it and find the tricks that let you progress. Quit smoking. Lose weight. Exercise daily. Eat healthy. Those are the four cornerstones to what I hope comes next. I’m acting selectively on those things at the moment, but they’re there. I know them. I have some idea of how to experiment. Experimenting takes up so much time, but it’s more reliable. Each of us is our own little science project, what works for one may not hold for the next. Probably won’t. But we can see the experiments of others and try them on ourselves. Even with my shredded faith, I can sometimes see the stuffed tiger on a snowy day.
So everything went wrong this morning but it was all fine. I am occasionally shocked by how much my life revolves around this computer. One little install and restart that didn’t go smoothly and I’m lost for an hour, trying to get my day back on track.
I sat today for the first time in months. It went badly in that I couldn’t hold my thoughts for more than a beginner’s three-count, but it went well in that I felt calm and the sitting didn’t give rise to any anxiety attacks. I hope, oh how I hope, that the worst of the fear is behind me. I don’t know that I’ll ever risk smoking the weed again, but that was never my favorite drug anyway. Sleep is still the best drug. It’s snowing out. Really snowing. Not blizzard, just steady and thick. At some point, I’ll go to work. Before that, I’ll work on the detective story and I’ll lift some weights. Maybe I’ll actually do some housework other than laundry.
I’m getting old. I know that if I pushed it, I could risk another ten years of unhealthy living before the risk of heart attacks really started. But that isn’t what I wanted. This style of living was supposed to have been concluded, at the latest, by 32. I’m 33 and I’ll be 34 in less than two months. I rarely look at the marks of where I was supposed to be anymore. It doesn’t help and it usually makes me saddened with my own ineptness at being. But I know where I hope to be. I know that there is a mismatch between what we feel and what we think, but that mismatch doesn’t require that we become enfeebled in our being. You have to acknowledge it and find the tricks that let you progress. Quit smoking. Lose weight. Exercise daily. Eat healthy. Those are the four cornerstones to what I hope comes next. I’m acting selectively on those things at the moment, but they’re there. I know them. I have some idea of how to experiment. Experimenting takes up so much time, but it’s more reliable. Each of us is our own little science project, what works for one may not hold for the next. Probably won’t. But we can see the experiments of others and try them on ourselves. Even with my shredded faith, I can sometimes see the stuffed tiger on a snowy day.
posted by Spike at 6:21 AM
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