Which Is a Pep Talk for Moving. Which Worked.

05/30/2008 6:56 AM – 7:26 AM

Well, first note that your lungs feel a lot better when you don’t add cream to your coffee, and as the condition of your lungs has a direct impact on your physiological well-being, you might consider not adding cream to your coffee. Plus, that would be one less thing to buy. Along with cigarettes. But one thing at a time. That which presses on your mind is the fact that you went to bed afraid last night.

It wasn’t thick or tough. It wasn’t panic. It only had a few fringes of anxiety. It was just a low-key, nagging fear. The fear arose when you got the email from Ben telling you that he had bought a house. They had a close date. They had a place for you. It was now real. The fear arose in part from sadness, but it was also just fear. You’re sad because you don’t like saying good-bye, and as much as you don’t like living in a city chock full o’ crazies, bums and bullies, you are familiar with your surroundings. This being the longest place you’ve lived in since you were eighteen. You become used to your surroundings. You may not be able to predict exactly what will happen, but you accumulate a set of probabilities. Moving to a new place means you have to reprogram your gut, and that takes time, and that’s a bit scary.

You’re also sad because, to a large extent, you like your job. You may not like the crazies, bums and bullies that form a large psychological part of your job (but a small portion of the actual interaction time), but you love your bosses and your co-workers and your building. You know it, and do love it. You don’t want to say good-bye. But you do have to say good-bye. Perhaps you will stay in contact with some of them, perhaps none. The fear arises from wondering if, perhaps, you are giving up something good but imperfectly fit for, once again, running to unknown but possible pastures. These new pastures may be an even worst fit than this place you are in now and that scares you. But that is always a fear when there is change and change is inevitable. You bite down. You bite down and taste and eat. Of course you’re scared, you’d be a fool not to be, but fear is not the determining factor. To get out of the city. To be in the country. To be with friends. – These are things you wanted before the fear and the fear doesn’t change that. You’ve wanted them, literally, for years. It is an adventure, lad. And what kind of life would you be living if your balls didn’t occasionally shrink from fear? Bah. Fear is sprinkles on the Sunday. You have considered the risks against the desires and the desires triumph. Yes, you’re a little scared, but the world is large, you are yet young and you haven’t even begun to crack the shell. Now, further up, boy. Further up and further in. Towards Narnia and the North.