On Desiring. And Needing to Poo.

05/22/2008 6:47 AM – 7:12 AM

Oy. I’ve had stomach/poop pains since yesterday afternoon. I’ve discovered that if I manage to poop, the pain goes away for a while. Or if I’m running, but that doesn’t last as long. I haven’t quit smoking yet. I will soon. I’m listening to silly dance pop almost exclusively. My mood is noticeably better. Though I did have another half-asleep anxiety incident this morning. It’s never when I’m fully awake or completely asleep. But I went back to sleep and it was gone by the time I got up.

For the first time in a long while, I had the inkling of longing this morning. It’s one of those early summer, chilly, rainy days and for some reason, I felt a twinge of longing for Cape Cod. Longing is oddly not depressing. And it’s definitely not fearful. It’s somewhat pleasant. It makes me want and wanting gives me something to do here in this life. I want those subtle emotions back. I don’t want the depression. I don’t want the panic. I want to be alive and human and here, a real boy. “Only one flight leads to the bull’s-eye: a thousand can miss it.” But it is one thing to aim for the bull’s-eye, another thing to find it in the first place.

I don’t think they're right about the extinguishing of desire, unless “extinguishing of desire” is another one of those religious code-phrases for something other than what it says. "I couldn't be a part of any revolution that wouldn't let me dance." But I’ve said that before. Why do I return to things? Because I always find objections and having sifted the objections, I return to the premise to see if it still stands. Or maybe I'm just baiting. There are different kinds of desire, as there are different types of emotion. An abiding desire, a desire that can always be called on, even if sometimes it is only an echo of itself, that is a desire to follow. The desire of the moment, that cries out loudly (buy the godamn bag of Doritos!), it is somewhat painful to deny this desire, but a sleep or two later and it dissipates. The desire that does not dissipate, no matter how many sleeps, that is a desire to take seriously. Not that you shouldn’t buy that bag of Doritos now and then. Probably not when you’ve got the anti-poops though. What desires remain in me that have lasted the years? And of those, which are not symbols for something else, but things-in-themselves? And that is a project to set for the day.