Which Contains Many Scattered Thoughts, Including but not Limited to: God, Marrage, Actions and Rain

06/18/2008 6:23 AM – 6:45 AM

To live a life of quiet contemplation. But with sex. And occasionally, travel. To live as self-sufficiently as possible without passing up the pleasures that this life has to offer. Read, write, garden. Pray. Exercise and meditate. Eat, drink, poo, pass water. Talk. Have Sex. Watch TV and movies. Build, fix, clean. Occasionally take drugs.

I’d like to study some form of martial art, one that’s difficult but possible. I’d like to learn how to draw. I’d like to publish several novels. I’d like to get married. I’d like to build a solid building, one that will last for two-hundred years. I’d like to visit the most peaceful places of the world, ones that you have to walk a long way on your own feet to get to.

I cannot avoid the dark times, it would be wrong, but it would be wrong to prolong them, wallow in them. You need to connect to failing and learn from it. I cannot, if I honestly face the facts, prove to myself that there is a God. But absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. God can neither be proved nor disproved. The only rationale that people can give when honestly confronted with God is: 1) how can God, if he is good, allow evil and 2) people that believe in God do bad things. The problem of evil is old and excellent, but there are many answers to it, some more appealing than others, all of them admittedly difficult. The problem in the second is a fallacy of applying the attributes of a whole as if they were exclusive to a particular.

So. Lesson learned. Move on. I believe in God. I have chosen to do so because I find the idea of blessed continuance more pleasant to hope for than the idea of unjudged ending. If the materialist is right, I’ll never know it. If I’m right, everyone will be pleasantly surprised (except me, of course, and then I will say, “nanny-nanny who-who”). If the exclusivist is right, well, most people are fucked and there isn’t much I can do about it. So. Move on. Why do I like rainy days better than cloudy ones? I like cloudy days, but rainy days are just that much better. When am I grown up enough to have a wife? Is it when I can finally afford to support a pregnant wife and children? Is it when I have a house with a washer and drier? Is it when I finally start to pay my bills conscientiously on time? I realize now, that a wife will not make everything better. Only a little better and my life will be very different than it is now. I will have to find a way to schedule my life around being with her instead of around following up interesting leads. Or maybe I won’t. How does that work? I will still have dark days. I will still have marvelously light ones. But I would have talkin’ and fightin’ and huggin’ and kissin’ and sexin’ and all those other –in’ actions that require more than one player.