Which Is Trying to Understand a Feeling of Wellbeing

11/06/2007 8:40 PM – 9:07 PM

For some reason which I am trying to understand, I feel very good at the moment. Quite honestly, I haven’t felt this good since last November, before the first panic attack. I would like to know why I feel so good. I would like to try to duplicate it again. Whenever possible. It’s kind’a like being stoned, but the weed sits where it is, unsmoked.

Perhaps it is the effects of the warmth of the room, but I don’t think that’s quite it. I can’t imagine that it’s the beer that I’ve been nursing for the last hour, but perhaps that’s part. The day itself was fairly uneventful. I did go out to vote for the first time in something like eight years but that was mostly just amusingly awkward. It’s very possible that I voted for someone that I didn’t intend to. I felt kinda like one of those old people in Florida that one hears about. There was no work today, county offices being closed so people could vote, but I didn’t work Sunday and I didn’t feel this good. But I might be implying that I feel up and jazzy, I don’t. If it’s jazz, it’s smooth and warm and quiet. It is a Spikey kind of very good: calm, relaxed, not worried, not compelled.

The absence of roommates, perhaps, but then Sunday was also devoid of roommates. Maybe it’s the work I did around the house, but that was very little. I did the dishes over the course of five hours, took out the trash. I read superhero comic books and took a nap. I ran in the morning. I didn’t write, which is somewhat out of character for a good feeling day. I listened to the newest SModcast, the last two disks of Me Talk Pretty Someday, the first two of Blink, but I’ve listened to Blink before. There is a feeling though, of potential, perhaps. I don’t feel old and death is distant and there seems a possibility of love in it. There is that feeling that things will work out. Strange that I hated that feeling so much when it got me in so much trouble, and then found it the biggest void when it left. Where is that line? But it is a passive question, untroubled by implications. Today is today. Perhaps I can’t manufacture a feeling of wellbeing, of being safe and loved and good, but it’s nice to know that I can still have it at times. Perhaps that knowledge will override the worry when it grows too big. But it is enough to have it now. It is enough to know that it came again today.