In Which the Rules For Knowing Are Proved to Be Wrong

01/08/2007 8:56 PM – 9:20 PM

And there it is then, that flush of it. There it is again. Fuck fear. I’m alive. What is the nature of a Spike? I don’t know. I thought I knew. What does it take to be human and alive? What is it again that I’m afraid of? Name it? Don’t name it? I don’t know. I want to be here and alive and not afraid. I want to be complex and yet simply happy.

Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, there is a drug for me. Oh, to exist in the constant awareness of the being that cannot help but be. Oh God, where are you now? There’s no other God who can raise the dead. But that’s not Merton, that’s Sufjan. Merton is the one that said something about delving into the deepest center of the soul to escape the soul and find the soul’s true origin. All of existence exists. I am writing at night instead of in the morning. I am awake. I am alive. Jesus loves me. This I know. For the Bible tells me so. And that is enough, because I know the rules of what it means to know and I can’t know anything. So the rules are wrong. I exist. Jesus loves me.

And what we are not will fall away. In a moment. In the twinkling of an eye. And we are here and then is just another part of now. And if it doesn’t fucking track, it doesn’t fucking track, because at the baseline of all claims is an unprovable assumption. I exist. Jesus loves me. Everything is gonna be alright. In the end, only three things remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love. To find the center, you start with a word. It doesn’t even have to be a real word. It could be “kerfuzenpan.” Though that might be a bit too many syllables. All that it needs is meaning. All it needs is that thing that’s there at the start of it. All it needs is to be that One True Thing. And they can’t be proved. And I love a girl and she loves me but we don’t know it yet. And all things come. And this is enough. And the light that the hermits sought was the uncreated light of God, because love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things, believes all things and God is love and love never fails. And that is better than the bullshit wisdom of the clever pessimist. Though he is funny. God is love and love never fails. And when I finally fall asleep tonight, I fall asleep beloved. And that is enough and that overflows and existence exists and it is better than I could ever imagine because fear is a myth and Jesus loves me and these three remain: faith, hope and love and the greatest of these of love.