In Which I, Spike, Actually Ask For Prayer

12/21/2006 10:25 AM – 10:47 AM

And so this is the only thing that I know how to do, so this is what I do. It’s possible that’ll I’m going to trigger another panic attack, but that’ll just have to be the case because, since my last panic attack early in the morning on Monday, I’ve been afraid all of the time. There have been a few moments where I managed to forget and yesterday I managed to make myself happy for an hour or two somehow, but I’m afraid right now and I don’t want to be.

I’m afraid not of what I’m afraid of when I’m having a panic attack (that I’m going to be damned, no matter what) but of having a panic attack. So, I’ve decided to face it like a man and see what it is that I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that I’m going to be damned, no matter what. I’m afraid that hell isn’t a place of teaching, but of eternal torture. I’m afraid that it is God’s sovereign gift of correct faith that saves and I haven’t been given it. I’m afraid that what little faith I have is of the wrong sort. What must I do to be saved? Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved, both you and your household. Well, I don’t have a household, and I’m not sure sometimes that I believe, but I want to be saved and so I’ll say the words, “Lord, I believe.” Help now my unbelief.

There is some hope in this, aside from that odd little feeling of relief that I just had. I still haven’t smoked, even though last night, in my dream I accidentally did twice. And, despite the fact that I really, really, really didn’t want to write, I am. I will get through this, like I have so many other things, but though I never, ever, ever, ever say this – pray for me, because I could use some divine intervention. I’m sorry that this is coming out so near to Christmas, this is really the last thing that anyone needs this time of year, but I’ll have to say. I haven’t felt this bad (though, at the moment, I’m feeling much better) in a very long time. I don’t know that I’ll ever believe the right things this side of heaven, but boy, oh, boy, do I need to believe right now. This is so unlike me. But maybe the me that led to this terror needed some changing. As far as I can tell, I’m not going to go all freakazoid-charismatic-evangelisto-fundamental-halleluja-let-me-pray-for-you-brother-ist, but, dear God, me, that doesn’t see what the hell good prayer does, is asking for you to beseech God on my behalf. Give it a shot. I need some faith to get me through the day and it’s like getting water from a rock like me.