A Cynic's Guide To Love

And so the computer is not up and running again. I’ve dug out the computer that John gave me last time I broke my own and set it here on my desk (no longer sitting rain-endangered beneath the window). This is a good computer for typing, as its RAM does not allow for much more. No pictures, is what I’m saying, and that will be fine.
The past weekend was spent in the little valley that I grew up in, participating in the wedding and related festivities celebrating the marriage (finally) of Jonny and Jen. An excellent time - lots of drinking and merry-making. I slept a long time last night.
Coming back to Buffalo, Stephen, spurred on by the recent nuptials and his practical mind, took me to task once again for not having had a girlfriend in 11 years. But I was prepared. I do not want to be anyone’s boyfriend; it is a useless and expensive thing to be. Way too many strings for such slender compensation. That is why I haven’t had a girlfriend in 11 years. And that answer will do for now. But Stephen, being a very Stephenish fellow, pressed on past the facts and insisted in engaging in a “But What If…” (“Elseworld” if you’re more of a DC fan). But what if you did find someone that would make you take on the bitter bit of a romantic relationship? What would that look like? After much haranguing, this is what we concluded – if Spike were to enter into a romance it would require 3 things (in the positives, the negatives are a very long list and are, for the most part, summed up by stating the opposite of the positives): 1.Comfortableness, 2.Similar Aesthetics, 3.Sustainable Lust.
What then is meant by “comfortableness”? Comfortableness is defined herein as “the ability to live for a long time (as long as ye both shall live, theoretically) in close proximity without pissing each other off frequently.” You could call this the “roommate standard.” Because in actuality, this is what you will be most of the time. You will be sharing space, toiletries, cleaning, and bills. After that honeymoon blush fades (rather quickly, usually), you’re left living with someone. All. The. Frigging. Time. For. The. Rest. Of. Your. Frigging. Life. How comfortable will you be with that? How good of a roommate is this person going to be for you? This leads into 2 – “similar aesthetics.”
You could call this the “best friends standard.” It’s an old horse, “marry your best friend.” And if it were literal, you’d have a lot of straight men married to straight men and a lot of straight women married to gay men. This is why friends is in its plural form. Most people have a lot of associates that they call “friends.” In this category there are usually many sub-categories: drinking friends, talking friends, work friends, bad friends, and there is usually a special category – “best friends.” Most people talk about their “best friend,” but if they were honest they would acknowledge that they’ve had a long line of “best friends” - Best Friend Around the Neighborhood, Best Friend in Elementary School, Best Friend in Middle School, Best Friend in High School, Best Friend of the Cousins, Best Friend in Church, Best Friend in College… if one takes a moment to look at their own list of Best Friends, they will find that there is usually a commonality – a shared aesthetic. I don’t mean it in the limited definition of art appreciation. It’s more of “how do you actually spend your time?” thing. The reason that we change “best friends” is because as the circumstances of our life change, the way that we actually spend our time changes.
On a side note, this is why young love is the stupidest love. As you get older, you are less apt to change dramatically – you get boring, but this boringness is what makes you more easy to live with. When you are younger, your life is very exciting and you change constantly and are mostly an asshole that only a mother could love with any kind of endurance. When you are young, that person that you are will cease to be about every two months, as will that person that you fall in love with. Useally, these schedules are off-set so, if your lucky, you’ll get about two week of understanding each other before you become alienated again. End Sidenote Now.
When you have become more boring, you find that you tend to spend your time following a predictable schedule, and what I mean by “similar aesthetic” is similarly boring schedule: we both want to live in the country, we both get sleepy before Letterman, we both like to have a cocktail when we get home, we both like to watch Lost and CSI, we both get horny on Tuesday mornings, we have both discovered the malicious nature of attempting to live a purpose driven life. No one is going to have the same aesthetic, but having a less similar one will have you cutting the love-seat in half with a chainsaw a lot more quickly that a more similar one.
The last requirement is “sustainable lust.” It’s really the least important, because you’ll spend a lot less time being your significant’s hump buddy than you will being their roommate and non-humping buddy, but if you have not lust, what the hell’s the point in enduring the annoyance of a relationship at all? The other name for “sustainable lust” is the “MILF Standard.” It’s very simple to state: when this person is 55, will I still want to shtoop them? It’s nearly impossible to answer this question, but you should really give it some thought. Look at their genetics – are her parents shtoopable or not? Look at their proclivities – are her friends shtoopable? Look at their past – did she spend more time being shtoopable or unshtoopable? Once again, past and present are no real indication of future performance, time and chance happen to them all, but if you’re gonna bet your rent money, you should at least try handicapping the ponies.
By the end of the car ride back to Buffalo, this is what I had concluded. At the moment, I’m sticking to it, content with my small, uncomplicated, comfortably onanic life.