The Cave Wall

1/30/2006 6:36 AM-6:57 AM

Stumbling through the creekbed, looking for stones. They’re what you stumble on. The things you’re looking for. I look so far ahead and only so far. The arrow needs a target to fly. Pay attention. This in, this out. Pay attention. Focus on this thing for as long as it takes. Is this what they talked about with fifteen times a day?

Can I abstain, and wait for the next round? Where is it? That thing that made it move? Where has it gone? Say an ave maria for the dead things. Say an ave maria for the living. Get up now. Get up and walk. This does not connect. This is just an arm of the one thing. How do we reconcile the knowledge of the worst thought with living? Are we to forget, turn it into sterile words? Existing again. Blocking out the worst possible thought (though you can name the thought and say the words of its sutra, if you don’t feel it, it isn’t real). Ave maria.

An excellent thought – she is my true mistress. I have not found you, because I don’t need you. The search for her is allconsuming. Pick me up and let me ride in the back seat, listening to the hard happiness of the music you’re playing on the stereo. While back ago, we heard the perfection that all men seek. Now we are complete. And so far from it. After the enlightenment, the laundry. Somehow, beauty is infused with the work. Somehow, it all makes sense. And all I ever wanted was to smell her hair. But she is a symbol of the other thing. The Blond will never be found because the Blond is a placeholder for finding the perfection in the twisted stalk of self. I become real. I become a lie. When you step beyond the boundaries of the excellent path and crawl out into the dark woods of the hermit, you find your split-apart waiting in the cave. We are unknowing creatures. We have always known all there is to know. If I fuck up my finances, peace will leave me. If I fuck up my vision, peace will leave me. I tear my peace apart looking for it. There’s only this second and now it’s gone. Gone. Gone. Here. Here. We carve her out of the base stone of the cave wall and, praying, give her life.